Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
