This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
