He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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