she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
