just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
