Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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