the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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