Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
