my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
