I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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