My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
