Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
