got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
