brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
