M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We talked him into tasing himself.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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