if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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