Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
