Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
