Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
