Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
