Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
