but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
im about as happy as oj after his trial
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
