don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
