if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
