Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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