Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
