Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
