Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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