I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
