The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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