Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
