Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
