I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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