why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
