I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
