gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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