i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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