Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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