he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
