just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize