I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
