Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
