I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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