Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
