I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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