I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
