Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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