Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Randomize
