I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
