i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
